5 Steps for Dealing with Difficult Supervisors and Co-Workers

In the workplace, we encounter a variety of personalities and ideas which creates a melting pot culture. While this is essential for innovation, it also leaves room for conflict and difference of opinion. An important skill we help our clients learn is the ability to express disagreement without being disagreeable. Conflict is natural and often provides us with opportunities we can benefit from in the long run.

The type of conflict we are addressing here is not sexual harassment or discrimination, which should be taken to the Human Resources department immediately. The type of conflict we address with our clients involves workplace personalities that may clash.

When disagreements arise, pause and take a deep breath. Physiologically, we have the “fight or flight” instinct which can make us feel like attacking the person, or running far away from the issue as quickly as possible. What happens frequently is that we allow our emotions to guide us and take the matter personally, rather than taking a deep breath and reviewing the facts. Also remember to do a self-assessment and think of what way you may have contributed to the problem at hand. Maybe your co-worker is not a morning person and you approached her just as she was coming in for the day. It is important to know your audience.

Find out all the facts before becoming upset. Oftentimes, we grow angry or frustrated quickly with only a piece of the information. Ask open questions and guide your co-worker away from generalizations and toward the real issue. If you show that you are interested and fully participating in trying to get to the root of the problem, then conflict becomes an opportunity to move the relationship to the next level.

Try to focus on things you have in common with a co-worker. If you constantly perceive that a person is a problem and focus on what you disagree on, then that is what the relationship becomes about. Turn your perception around and focus on the fact that you both take pride in your work, or you both want to do the right thing, and see if you can find some common ground. If you view the relationship as adversarial, it impacts the way you come into the interaction.

Take ownership of your own behavior and realize that you only control your own actions. Remind yourself to use healthy, assertive communication and express your feelings without using generalizations. Because you are a professional in the workplace, it is important to do everything in your power to resolve the issue before bringing it to your supervisor’s attention. When you do reach a solution, forgive the co-worker and let it go. We all must recognize our own shortcomings and realize that others are permitted to have flaws too.

Some people deal with conflict by not dealing with it at all, which can lead to other issues. If you keep pushing emotions down, they will come out in other ways that may be inappropriate for the workplace. Suddenly, something that should be a small issue can turn into something much larger because problems that have not been dealt with have now compounded and come out all at once. On the other hand, not everything is appropriate to discuss in the workplace. Set boundaries early and honor them. It may be tempting to want to gossip with co-workers to create bonds, but unless it is positive, helpful or useful, do not succumb to this type of communication. 

A few things to remember when dealing with a difficult co-worker:

- Pause and take a deep breath.

- Gather all the facts before allowing yourself to become angry. This will help you in keeping the issue in perspective, without taking it personally.

- Ask questions to reach the real root of the problem. Then ask yourself if and how you may have contributed to the issue.

- Try to build relationships on common ground, rather than viewing them as adversarial.

- Do not bring the issue to your supervisor unless you and your co-worker have done everything possible to try to solve the problem on your own.

- Avoid gossip.

- Let it go – remember we are human, and we all have flaws.

Most importantly, have realistic expectations about your workplace. It cannot fulfill all your needs and cannot be all things to you. Other friends outside of work and other support systems are important too. If you keep your relationships in perspective, and keep communication lines open, you will have a good start on a healthy workplace environment.